Describing the red flags of the modern day Christian Man, and how to spot them.

Im not new to the dating scene. I have been single the past three years, and my ex husband is a devout Christian. Not only was he, but I have also dated 2 more Christian men after him.

Not ALL Christian men possess these red flags. I still hold hope that there are good, godly men in the world who values a Christian woman, and understands the importance of courtship.

Here are some red flags I have learned throughout my journey, in hopes I can help other women spot them early on and avoid these men:

He sexualizes you almost immediately

You two exchange a few messages and “How are you’s”, to only be met with examples of “You are turning me on right now. Send me a picture.”

This type of behavior is incredibly common in the online dating scene, but it should be LESS common amongst men with faith.

There are many verses in the Bible which clearly state, we must avoid sexual immortality. Sexual immortality is when you engage in sexual acts outside of marriage.

In my personal opinion? This includes online sex, sexting, phone sex and anything referring to wanting to engage sexually with someone you are not committed to. If you aren’t his wife, why is he solely focused on being sexual with you, and not planning a date?

He doesn’t ask you questions

Women are emotional creatures. We bond over conversation, we like feeling heard, and wanted. Men know that women want to talk to them, to develop a closeness.

If the man is not asking you questions further than a “How are you” or “What are you up to”, his intentions aren’t as pure as you’d hope. A genuine man wanting to court you will put the time in to understand your favorite flower, what you like to do for fun, your future goals in life, your fears and your dreams.

If you have to literally throw information of yourself at him, he isnt the one.

He is complacent

I remember dating this one Christian man and he seemed to have everything together. He had a sweet deal set up, living on his families property in a house they had built. He paid the mortgage, had his own car, had a career.

The issue was, he was complacent. He wanted a wife and a family, but he wasn’t making goals to ensure he could provide for them. He was fully capable of earning a next level degree within 6 months, to increase his salary, and he decided he didn’t want to because his mother didn’t have time to help him….. do I need to say more?

If you notice you are more goal driven and career focused than he is, you will be the one stuck in your masculinity while he relishes in the easy life he decided to say in.

He critiques your looks

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But with the Christian faith, we also know there is more to someone than just their outer beauty.

If he is making comments like “I dont like how oily your makeup gets.” or “A tummy tuck will make me love you more.” (Yes these are both real world examples) Then his intentions are more on your outer appearance, versus what your soul is showing.

Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

In the context we are talking about Godly men and women, we want to focus on the verse… “A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”

Let it sink in for just a moment.

It doesn’t matter if your skin is blemished. If you aren’t as tall, as skinny or curvy. To solely focus on the outer beauty of yourself and others is incredibly vain. True beauty lies within your soul. What your beliefs, your morals, dreams and aspirations are. What makes YOU shine is your faith in the Lord, because he adores his daughters. And his love will shine through us 100x brighter than any diamond we would wear or makeup we would apply.

He isnt financially stable

Im hearing more often that women these days are more financially stable than men. Is this statistically accurate? Probably not. But it is becoming more common; women are making 6 figures, buying houses and becoming debt free, while men stay behind.

Proverbs 21:5 “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.”

This is a perfect example of what happens when someone is hard working, and steadfast, with set goals on where to put their money, will prosper in the end. Versus someone who gives in to quick leisure, haste, (loans, gambling, etc) will eventually meet poverty.

You can normally spot a man who isnt financially stable when it is an issue to take you out on a normal dinner date, or spoil you with a bouquet of flowers, or treat you to your favorite coffee. Who wouldn’t want to treat the one they are courting?

He isnt consistent

This can include communication, his actions, his affection, the dates, etc.

Maybe he will go days without texting you, or maybe he was really affectionate when you first started talking, but the amount of affection has dwindled over time.

Consistency is key to finding a good Christian man, as you have to be consistent in a healthy marriage. One of the key roles of a man is to provide a stable foundation in Christ. How can he do this if he is inconsistent in his works under the Lord?

He doesn’t listen or answer your questions

Gaslighting statements like “You’re overthinking this.” or “You’re being crazy” are ways to deflect an issue or topic that he may not be too keen to talking about. He may want to keep hold of the control he has, and manipulate the situation so that he can avoid taking accountability for his actions.

This can also stem into venting to him, and he isnt giving you his undivided attention (given it is an appropriate time to talk).

Scrolling his phone, watching TV, or constantly interrupting you are signs he isnt listening, and doesn’t value the words you are speaking.

He doesn’t want to make things official

As adults after a few weeks, or months at most, we have a good understanding if the person we are speaking to is someone we want to move forward with.

The moment you decided to have the talk of “What are we? What is the next step?” And he responds with being unsure, or not believing in titles, it is time to move on.

I will die on the belief that every man knows what he wants. And if he truly, desperately wanted you, he will move mountains for you.

Do not settle for someone who barely lifts a finger at the thought of making the relationship official. He isnt the one.

He is abusive

I shouldn’t have to say this. Unfortunately, women do come across abusive men, even under faith. Abuse includes mental, physical and emotional.

Rape exists in and out of a relationship. Silent treatments are abusive. Yelling, punching holes in the walls, hitting, choking, calling you names, belittling, threatening suicide, financial control, isolation, gaslighting…. the list goes on.

In no way, shape or form, does God allow a man to abuse or manipulate a woman.

If you need help, you are stuck in an abusive relationship and have no other resources, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Religious Psychosis

“The world is ending this week.” He used to say to me, which was a perfectly good reason why we couldn’t plan on buying a house.

“I see heavens’ doves in the sky.” As we drove down the road, and he is looking up at the empty sky signaling to the clouds above.

“God is talking to me. He wants me to spread the good news” As he embraces random women close to his body and whispers prayers intimately in their ears. (ew)

“The demons are everywhere. We can’t go to this movie/baseball game/etc” When trying to plan a date.

“You can’t dress up, put makeup on, workout, because it’s vain.” As you try to balance your self care.

The examples are endless. Religious psychosis is a frightening thing to witness in your partner, and no amount of logic can pull them out of it. They need professional, medical help and most often times, they refuse.

This can get abusive, and tricky, fast. They can pin demons onto you, pray evil prayers towards you, and treat you like an enemy rather than a wife.

No, you cannot fix them. No, you will never be worthy enough to them. The best course of action is to leave, and pray that one day they will receive the help they need.