Trigger Warnings: Suicide, Trauma, Depression

I will never forget the day of September 11, 2010.

My life shattered with the news: Your Father killed himself.

I was never close to my father. Not by my choice, it is a story for another day. I think in a perfect world, he would have been my sole provider.

This year will mark 15 years since his passing, and over the years I have cried. Sobbed. Pleaded for answers. Begged for the “why”.

I was so angry. I was so hurt…. “How could my father leave me behind? Did he not think of me?”

My father was 33 when he passed. In hindsight, this is a really young age to pass in a world full of beauty and possibilities. I am 31, and I cannot imagine my life ending so soon when I have so much life to live.

….until recently.

Depression is an old friend of mine. I have battled with depression since I was a teenager. You couldn’t tell though. Talking with me, I keep topics shallow. I respond with the ” Good!” and the “Oh yeah, life is great.” Because no one really knows how to respond if someone confides “Im not ok right now, and haven’t been for a while.”

Recently, the past year or so, my depression has succumbed to a deeper level than I am familiar with. Motivation to life has gone bleak. The willingness for self care has plummeted. The want to leave my bed… well, let’s say Im overly familiar with the term ” bed rotting”.

Days and weeks blur together, and suddenly Im scrambling to keep up with my health. Keep up with my social life. Keep up with daily tasks, daily chores, daily routine. The silence grew louder. The silence became so loud, it was deafening. Silence convinces you that music no longer sounds good. Silence convinces you that conversations no longer hold value. Silence convinces you food has lost its flavor. Silence convinces you that breathing is the only task worth doing. And sometimes silence whispers… “Stop breathing”.

And in those moments, I am suffocating. I am gasping and reaching for air that I already have access to; but I can’t comprehend Im able to grasp it. In those moments, I forget those who love me. In those moments, I forget what I am capable of. In those moments, I isolate. And in those moments… I want it all to go away.

And in the silence, I finally understand my father.

All these years, I have always cried and asked why he would do such a horrid thing, ending his life. But in this season of my own life, I finally understand his pain. The amount of silence he had to endure, and the demons that crept into the silence and whispered these lies.

I finally understand why he left, because the resources for mental health is so low. The understanding for mental health is still cloudy. And the gaslighting is astronomical, especially for men who struggle with their mental health.

And in my understanding, Im convinced I was blessed with this season of silence from God himself. As painful as it is, this heightens my awareness of the world around me. The hidden beauties we tend to overlook because we are too busy scrolling on our phones, or running late to work. God answered my prayers as to why my father left this world. Such a simple answer.

“It was his time.”

As survivors of our dear loved ones who couldn’t fight the spiritual warfare, I encourage you all to take a step back and truly understand the disease of Depression. The sullen act of suicide. I suggest taking a deep breath and praying for clarity/healing as well, because the enemy wants us to continue being in pain for those who have passed.

Suicide isn’t a selfish act. This isn’t a “victim mentality” ploy. The victims truly, utterly felt like they had no other option and reasoned that life would be better without them. Or, that life was too hard. Life was too silent. And in the silence, the chaos grew louder. And the chaos was too much to bare.

On the 15 year mark of my father’s passing, I am quietly remembering him with a sense of clarity. I will not be asking questions this year, or praying for the “why’s”. God has already answered me with this season of silence.

From what I remember, my father was a charming, handsome and intelligent man. The Spaniard genes shone brightly through his eyes, his hair, and his mannerisms. His skin was as pale as mine, Im sure he glowed under the moonlight just like I do. Like an angel.

My father was a classic nerd from the early 2000’s. He was into Star Trek, Star Wars, DC, Marvel, and anything computer related. He served in the army, and had a liking toward older women. And he always had a soft spot for my mother, he claimed she was his true love. Which makes me the daughter of a man who is very special, a man who never threw his love away.

Up to the last moments of his life, he continued to support my grandmother. He continued to cherish pictures of me and he continued to love on his cats. A beautiful man was taken too soon from the world, but in Gods eyes, it was perfect timing. And in my father’s absence, I survive.

-The Broken Cookie

Guidance example prayer for those struggling to accept the loss of their loved ones:

“Dear Heavenly Father,

I come before you, as I am struggling. I struggle to understand this pain that takes over my heart, and eats at my soul. The passing of my loved one is too much to bare; (express your feelings. Be raw. Be open. Cry. Sob. Tremble. Yell. God wants us to express what he sees in our hearts).

Father I ask that you bring clarity into my life. I want to understand that even though the passing of my loved one is difficult, it was in perfect timing under your guidance. Even though the passing of my loved one was ugly/traumatic/unexplained, please help me gain clarity they are now at peace.

I confess that I might have allowed the death to hinder my faith or relapsed my… (express your struggles, any sins that may have been brought up since the death)

Moving forward, I will be more aware that these actions do not serve me, and I accept your assistance in helping me abstain Father.

And at this time, I also ask that you help me celebrate my loved one instead of mourn them. In small ways that will heal my heart, and also honor you Father.

Thank you Father for taking my loved one in with open arms. Thank you for accepting them into your kingdom, and filling them with light. We are unworthy of your forgiveness and love, yet you graciously pour these blessings unto us anyway…. (express any more thankfulness, graciousness, your love)

In Jesus name,

Amen.”